Ode to Marching Band
by Rhea2
Summary: This is something I wrote 2-3 weeks into marching band this year. Most of this stuff is inside jokes, but I think it's funny anyway.
1. Ode to Marching Band

Author's note: Please don't throw tomatoes at me for this. I was bored in Bio, and I couldn't afford to fall asleep again, so I had to do something.and that's my excuse. I didn't even know there was a whole section here for marching band fics.this is cool! By the way, all names have been changed.  
  
Oh.and this is dedicated to the Pride of the Irish. We rule!  
  
Scene opens on a practice football field at Cathedral High School. The band director, known here as Mrs.McC, and Jessie, the almighty drum major, are trying to get the band to march the way they're supposed to. The pit, Anna, Aaron, and Thaya, are half asleep, and Aaron is hogging the only chair just because he has seniority and he can.  
  
Mrs. McC: You need to explode, people! EXPLODE off the first step! C'mon, you guys!  
  
Let's try this one more time.Jessie, count us off.  
  
Jessie: One, two, three, step!  
  
(Suddenly, all the members of the band blow up, including the guard. The only people left are Mrs. McC, Jessie, and the pit, who are now fully awake.)  
  
Anna: Oh great. Sewage AND blood. Perfect.  
  
Mrs. McC: I didn't mean for you to literally explode!!  
  
Pieces of band members: Oh, now you tell us.  
  
(Fifteen minutes later, the band is back to normal, except for a few percussionists who have re-arranged limbs.)  
  
Anna: Yeah.sorry about that.  
  
Jackman, a.k.a. section leader of percussion: Hey! I can hold a snare stick with my foot! Cool!  
  
Peter: Uh.I've been turned into a cow.can I go home?  
  
Mrs. McC: You're excused.  
  
(He leaves)  
  
Mrs. McC: Anyone else?  
  
Drumline: Nope. We're good.  
  
Mrs. McC: Okay. Go into the "Godzilla eats brass" chart.  
  
(The band move into their positions. Suddenly, a giant green reptile appears from behind the trees and heads straight for the brass section. Everyone ignores it and continues marching, because Mrs. McC told them to keep going, no matter what. Godzilla looks confused that no one is running away and screaming, so he just scoops up the whole brass section into one hand, swallows them, and wanders off to eat all the people at Chatard.)  
  
Mrs. McC: Great. Now we don't have a brass section. Why is everything I say taken literally?  
  
Anna: Like the time you told the drumline to disrobe?  
  
Drumline (half of them already have their shirts over their heads): What'd you say?  
  
Rest of the band: Nothing!!! Nothing!!! Just please, please keep your shirts on.  
  
Drumline: Fair enough.  
  
Aaron: Never fear. I, mallet god, can learn all the brass parts in 5 minutes. And play them, too!  
  
(He does.)  
  
Anna: Darn! Now I have to play all of Aaron's xylo parts! I suck at xylo!  
  
(She does. Really. I mean it. It's terrible. Finally, first period ends. The pit crew tries to pack up the instruments without killing themselves/each other/the instruments.)  
  
Anna: Stupid congas! Why won't you die?  
  
Z-wad, Peter, and P.J.: Chill out. You just need to know what the hell you're doing.  
  
(They manage to fix the stupid congas and get them in the stupid truck. Anna walks off carrying a trumpet. As she's walking back to Cunningham, she starts to hear far-off voices calling her name.)  
  
Voices: Anna...Anna.  
  
Aaron: ANNA!  
  
Anna: AAAAAH! What? What!  
  
Aaron (really mad): Wake up! You fell asleep! In MY chair! And you missed the cymbal solo!  
  
Anna: My bad. Must be the illegal narcotics I'm on.  
  
Aaron: I'm sick of you! You sleep during band.and you DON'T PLAY LOUD ENOUGH! You're officially kicked out of pit. Jackman can figure out what to do with you.  
  
Anna: Dang. Now I have to march.  
  
(She leaves the pit and walks over to where the battery is rehearsing. There, Jackman is making a desparate attempt to get the bass drums to do something right)  
  
Jackman: All right. Forget marching in step.can you at least mark time?  
  
Bass drums: Mark.what?  
  
Jackman: Never mind marching. Just play your instruments.  
  
Bass drums: Play?  
  
Jackman: God, this is hopeless.  
  
Jesse: Hey, it's not my fault these freshmen are stupid.  
  
Anna: Nice hair.  
  
Jesse: Thanks. It rules everything.  
  
Jackman: Never mind that. I have to figure out where to put you.can you play quads?  
  
Anna: Um.no.  
  
Jackman: Can you play bass drum?  
  
(She glances over at Jesse and the freshman, who are grinning at her evilly)  
  
Anna: NO!!!  
  
Jackman: Can you play snare?  
  
Anna: Um.a little.  
  
Jackman: Good. You're on snare.  
  
Anna: Cool. Gimme a drum.  
  
Jackman: Um.well.we don't actually HAVE another drum.you're just gonna have to hit random things until we can hike tutition fees enough to buy another one.  
  
Anna: Cool!  
  
(She grabs the cool gray sticks and runs around hitting random things/people)  
  
Z-wad: Please, let me kill her. I'll pay you.  
  
Jackman: Not yet. Win the lottery, and we'll talk.  
  
P.J.: Quack.  
  
Madden: What are you doing here? You don't even play percussion!  
  
P.J.: Tooooooba!  
  
Madden: Tooooooba!  
  
Whole band: Tooooooba!  
  
Mrs. McC: The things I put up with.okay people, pack up, you're dismissed.  
  
Thaya: Like the MTV show?  
  
Mrs. McC: No.  
  
Thaya: Dang.  
  
And so ends another band practice at Cathedral High.  
  
All of Anna's HSE friends: Cathedral sucks!  
  
(The entire band stops walking toward Cunningham when they hear the words "Cathedral sucks". They turn around very slowly and head straight for the HSE people. Aaron grabs a suspended cymbal and chucks it at them Frisbee- style)  
  
Aaron: You think that's funny??? 


	2. Ode to Concert Band

A/N: The sequel to Ode to Marching Band.this one's for concert band! One pep season gets more underway I plan to do one for pep band too. Also, a disclaimer, I was a little bit angry at my ex when I wrote this so.I killed him. In the fic, I mean. Just so you don't wonder why some random person is dead. He's dead for a good reason. Also, my friend's ex is dead, too, because I wanted to help her out. I don't go around killing random band people. Anyway.enjoy! And review! ________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ode to Concert Band  
  
It is yet another day at Cathedral High. We re-join our students in the band room, an hour and many days later than our previous story.  
  
Band: Yay! Another hour of sleep!  
  
Shut up! I'm not done yet!  
  
(Band students go back to sleep)  
  
Ahem. As I was saying, marching season is now over.  
  
(There are sounds of crying from some of the band members)  
  
Shut up! Babies!  
  
Band: But we miss marching season!  
  
Jessie: Band, atten-hut!  
  
Band (snapping to attention): One!  
  
Drumline & Guard, including 0 hour guard who somehow manage to escape their first period classes just to say this one line: BOOMCOCK!  
  
ENOUGH!!! Are you people done yet? Can we please get on with the story?  
  
Band: Yes.  
  
Good. As I was TRYING to tell the audience, we're in concert band, and we're trying to practice our music. We focus, as always, on the percussion section, which is currently way too crowded due to the lack of funding for band, which results in a very small band room, which results in a very small percussion area. That, and there are too many percussionists. And the fact that half the section is supposed to be in the practice room, working on their ensemble, but by some unholy act of the devil, they're not.  
  
Anna: Ow! What was that?  
  
Madden Oh, that was me. I did it on purpose.  
  
Anna: Oh, okay then.  
  
AJ, Eric, and Parker, hereafter known as the Frosh Boys: Hey! Let's mess around with random stuff, even if we don't know what the hell we're doing!  
  
(They do.)  
  
Aaron & Jesse, hereafter known as The Odd Couple: We'll just sit here and do nothing, since we're way too cool and mature for you people anyway.  
  
(They do.)  
  
Mrs. McC: Okay, guys, we have to actually do useful stuff, now. Like playing music.  
  
Percussion: Aw, do we have to?  
  
Mrs. McC: YES.  
  
(Everyone gets up and frantically tries to decide parts, get music, etc. All except for Z-wad, hereafter known as Z, who just sits on the floor pounding pennies with a brake hammer)  
  
Parker: Should we move him? Or something?  
  
Peter: Nah, he's fine. Besides, he's a senior, he can do whatever he wants.  
  
Parker: Okay then.  
  
Jackman: Wait a minute.Parker, what are you doing down here? You're supposed to play tuba during concert season!  
  
Parker: I hate the tuba.  
  
Tuba and PJ: TOOOOOBA!  
  
Thaya: That's not funny anymore. Really. And you people hut my ears.  
  
Tuba and PJ: TOOOOOBA!  
  
Thaya: Alright. I warned you.  
  
(Thaya grabs her electric bass and proceeds to beat the snot out of them.)  
  
Parker: Mmm! Blood!  
  
(He slithers/glides in that creepy way that movie ghosts do, over to the tuba section, and starts to drink their blood.)  
  
AJ: I told you he was a vampire.  
  
Jackman: Whatever. At least he's where he should be.  
  
(Everyone is called to order by Mrs. McC, who hits the podium with her cool new gavel.)  
  
Danielle: That's not a gavel. It's a chime mallet.  
  
Mrs. McC: Really? Oh well.  
  
Sarah Smart: YELLOW HAMMER!  
  
(She runs down to the percussion section, grabs the yellow plastic chime mallet out of Aaron's hands, and runs back to her section)  
  
Eric: Darn. Now we only have one chime mallet left!  
  
(Suddenly, from within the trees outside, our friend Godzilla appears. Once again, the band takes no notice of him, except for the brass players, who cower in fear. Godzilla reaches through the window, grabs the last chime mallet, and goes of to beat all the remaining Chatard people with it.)  
  
Aaron: Hey! Come back here, you big lizard! I have seniority over you!  
  
(Godzilla ignores him and keeps walking)  
  
Aaron: Yeah, I kinda figured that wouldn't work.  
  
Mrs. McC: Enough of this. Everyone get out Dixieland. We're going to play now.  
  
(The band does so, with slight confusion from the percussion over exactly which letters they're supposed to play at, but they figure it out, and things are going along quite nicely.until the rimshots show up.)  
  
Anna: TAP.  
  
Rest of percussion: That's wrong. It's like THIS.  
  
(They all try to show her at the same time)  
  
Mrs. McC: Try it again, this time so the whole band can hear you and laugh at your stupidity.  
  
Anna: BONK-TAP.  
  
Rest of percussion: NO.  
  
Jackman: Like THIS.  
  
Peter: Hit the rim AND the head.  
  
AJ: No, that's wrong.  
  
Jesse, hereafter known as The Ex, or merely X: Hit closer to the rim.  
  
Anna: AAARGH! That's it! I can't do it! I'm quitting percussion!  
  
Rest of percussion: Yay! Um.we mean.darn.  
  
Danielle: Wait! Don't leave me here alone! These guys are scary!  
  
Anna: Sorry, no longer my problem. I'm joining the guard!  
  
Danielle: There is no guard. Marching season's over.  
  
Anna: Oh yeah. Well, then, I'll play trumpet.  
  
Mike, Sarah Snyder, and Grant: We're evil!  
  
(Mike pats Anna on the head)  
  
Anna: GAH!!  
  
(Sarah Snyder does the same)  
  
Sarah Snyder: You're short. Ha ha. Slut.  
  
Anna: GAH!!!  
  
(Grant pulls out a knife)  
  
Anna: GAAAH!!!!  
  
Jesse/X: Ha ha. Little girl.  
  
(Anna turns around and gives him a Very. Evil. Look. After a few seconds, X falls to the ground, unconscious)  
  
Anna: Cool! I thought that only worked with Torr!  
  
(Torr enters)  
  
Torr: Did someone say my name?  
  
Band: Hey! He's not in band!  
  
(Anna glares at him, too, and he falls on the ground)  
  
Sarah Smart: Hey! I wanna try that!  
  
(She glares at Jackman the same way, and he falls on the floor on top of X)  
  
Sarah Smart: Cool!  
  
(She and Anna give high-fives)  
  
Anna: Enough of my evil woman-powers. I still need to find a section.  
  
Saxes: Uh-uh. There are already too many of us.  
  
Clarinets: Don't even think about it.  
  
Torvik: Besides, I hate you.  
  
Flutes: We don't need any more hyper people. We have Katie.  
  
Katie (singing): Comet! It makes your mouth turn green.  
  
Anna: Gotta love Katie.  
  
Jessie (pointing at Anna): Besides, she called me fat.  
  
Anna: Um.okay.what's left? Tuba?  
  
P.J.: No.  
  
(He gives her a very scary evil glance)  
  
Anna: Okay, okay, not tuba.  
  
(She looks over at the last section.the trombones. Her eyes fall on Kuhn, sitting with his trombone)  
  
Anna: AAAAAH! It's hideous!  
  
Kuhn: Oh, come on, it's just a trombone.  
  
Anna (sighing): Fine. I'll stay with percussion, then.  
  
(She runs back down and hugs them all, except for Jackman and X, who are both still on the floor)  
  
Z: By the way.there's an easier way to play rim shots.  
  
Anna: You could've told me that earlier!  
  
And so ends this tale.  
  
Shawn: Wait! I'm not in this story yet!  
  
Elizabeth: Me either!  
  
Kari: Or me!  
  
Itty-bitty: Or me!  
  
Wa-wa: Don't forget me!  
  
Sarah Smart: I want a bigger part!  
  
Coire: I'm not with the trumpets!  
  
Jessie: I should be more important! I'm the drum major!  
  
Jesse/X: What about me? Do I ever get to wake up?  
  
Anna, Sarah, and Sarah: NO!  
  
Jesse: Darn.  
  
Anna: Too bad. It's my story, so I win.  
  
Sarah Snyder: Wait! No, you d-  
  
THE END 


End file.
